The search for understanding
October melted away
The trees have been cleared of leaves, the surroundings now resembling more of a landscape from the post-apocalypse. Everything is gray and cold. But i dont mind. It's usual surroundings.
One of my friends struggle with some gay things. That's not easy to digest in a conservative society. Especially if you're not in a metropolitan area. Funny thing, no one care about your sexuality, if you don't show it off. Glances on the subway, glances in bars. We don't have a lot of places to hang out, for not straight people. More over it's not easy to walk out from closet and to tell to your relatives truth. I don't care about my own circle, since no one care about who i am, my family never was full. I grew up with my mother. But I'm grateful she never interfered in my life.
But with my friend is different story. Full family, he is younger, walking out from closet, as we calling opening up to someone, not get easy for him. To make a long story short, he ended up stopping by my place to cry, as usual. I don't mind. We close friends so it's not get me uncomfortable.
But then we had cake, watched a couple of movies and had a great time, just comfy hanging out.
Something old and forgotten.
This whole situation reminded me that it's been a long time since I've been in a relationship myself. Not that I was looking for one. It's just that I've noticed how difficult it's become to meet people over time. And no, it's not age. It's technology. Almost everyone's nose is on their phones. Chat rooms, messengers, dating apps. Faster faster faster. Live fast. Burn without stopping.
Sometimes I feel like an old man who has fallen out of life completely. In the 00s, we didn't have smartphones everywhere, we used to go to each other's windows, shouting, "Come out, come on."
We met through common companies, through friends and acquaintances, through relatives or through interest groups. And now...I don't even see the point of wasting time on all this. Last night I hung out in the park with a book, we have excellent lighting, even if it's dark around, there are always lanterns above the benches. People are walking around, but it feels like everyone has their own separate little world. If there are any loners, they walk at a brisk pace, or run if they are local fitness enthusiasts. Technology was supposed to bring us together, but it has alienated us much more. Of course you can go to a bar, a club, etc. But that's not it. It's not a chance meeting on the street. It's not a fleeting smile. It's not a casual conversation. It doesn't feel natural.
When my friend got out of my apartment, i felt emptiness. No, i am fine being alone, because like any introvert i get burned out fast around people. But we are social creatures after all. And it is difficult to find a person with whom you can whisper comfortably, forgetting about the world around you and not rushing anywhere.
I had a dream
Day's grew more darker, where I live, the sun is a rare visitor. But on the other hand, everyone here has a kind of good melancholy in their hearts. A common local saying: 'it can't get any worse'. I need to get back to my work for now. But i leave song here, that playing in my headphones. Peremotka — Solnce, if you want to listen.
The yellowed envelope
Smells like you again
Bringing back the spring
Rough sheets of paper
Crumpled edges
I'll press it with the palm of my hand
Only those who have known love
Interested in the soul
Have renounced evil
I'll write in your handwriting again.
Knowing it by heart
I'll read the words
The lonely sun is burning
Waiting for the moon for thousands of years
But it rises in darkness
Only when the light is gone
Under the shade of century-old branches
Of cold stones
We built the world
The sounding song of the winds
We were married to you
And the cannonier rattled
Through the wondrous dream
And the gloom of night
Where the cold darkness reigns
As if it were real
You looked into my eyes
And whispered the words
The lonely sun burns
Waiting for the moon for a thousand years
But it rises in darkness
Only until the light is gone