Everyone wants warmth
We have various places in our city for people of completely different views. Although lately everything has been leaning more towards patriotism. The rest doesn't matter much. I'm not a fan of clubs or bars. Bars because I don't drink. Clubs because I don't like noise. But sometimes you have to get out into the white light.
I'm too easy on people. I don't care what a person's views are, how he identifies himself, what his opinion is. As long as a person treats me well. I treat him positively too.
This week my friends called me to one of the clubs in the city, the crowd is absolutely motley - punks, rockers, informals, in the corner there are fans of exotics, whether it's a cardigan from the 70s or unknown to anyone underground writer. Naturally among such a crowd, which is not bound by age, there are people of non-traditional orientation.
Of course, no one walks around in a feathered suit and doesn't have any mannerisms, but there are couples making out in the corners. As well as a few people who like to draw attention to themselves with flashy costumes. It's funny how it all fits together. Punks who are used to pouring liters of alcohol into themselves, wearing things that are long overdue for the dump, can shout the national anthem together with rappers and with openly unconcealed trances.
I sat behind the bar because I don't dance. I've never been able force myself to dance, although it's more of a twitching to the beat or even without it. For me, dancing has always been tango, salsa, and other folk or non-folk art forms. I'm not judging, of course. It's everybody's business. The friends who invited me to this party, naturally scattered who went where. Some to middle of dance floor, some to the corners.
In the midst of this chaos, I got into a conversation with a girl behind the bar. She is 21, which she proudly told me, being in a slightly tipsy state, proud of it as if after 30 life ends, and then said that she is here with her girlfriend waiting for some reaction from me. You know, when a person pauses theatrically waiting for a reaction. I just shrugged and asked if she was happy. Which naturally threw her off balance. I guess she was expecting a different reaction. Word by word, we got to the point of why I was sitting here alone and drinking a non-alcoholic mojito. I politely informed her that I came at the invitation of friends who are out there among people. I prefer a quiet place to a noisy one. I don't know what she was interested in a man of my age, but she decided to ask me to dance when the music changed to something slow and simple.
Well, I didn't mind and so we slowly started swaying among the same couples, stomping on the spot. I'm not super handsome even by local standards. And this girl was obviously very bored, the alcohol stirred her to action. While we were stomping in place to the beat of the music, she began to ask questions about what I do, what are my hobbies and so on. Apparently she didn't feel that I was a predator and my indifferent attitude only stimulated her interest.
After exchanging information that no one was interested in, she started talking about her girlfriend. About the ups and downs of their relationship, about why she loves her and vice versa, why she can't stand her. About how they plan to rent a place and live together. Since they're both in college now. I was interested in more simple things - on whom to study, what plans after, etc. Just to keep the conversation going.
Word of mouth, she let me hang out with her company. I like to get adventurous sometimes. I texted my acquaintances that I left with another company and went with this girl and her company to walk around town. They're regular young people, plus or minus under 25. Three guys and four girls. So I was the fourth male member, though a dozen or so years older than them. However, since I was always busy with IT and creative work, the conversation flowed easily. I'm up to date on trends, and I know a lot of things they haven't even heard of.
It's already winter in our city, so it was freezing outside, we walked along the embankment and went to the observation spot. After about another hour of wandering around the night city, we got cold and went to one of the small cafes. A cheap 24/7 diner. With disgusting food, tea in bags and instant coffee in cheap plastic cups.
We sat down at a table that had seen everything in its life, we continued to communicate on various topics. The guys were interested in my stories, because among their peers everything usually fits into 3-4 topics. They are worn out and boring for everyone. Another confidence booster was that club. There are no marginalized or 'alien' people hanging out there. That's why I had credit. In the end, when all the topics were discussed, the guys moved to the plane of relations. There aren't many places where people of non-traditional orientation can gather. I just shrugged my shoulders, many people just do not expose their non-traditionalism, and so no one cares what happens behind other people's doors.
Naturally in a conversation like this everyone has different views. The girls were lesbians, one asexual as she called herself, the guys were gay. When they asked me if I felt uncomfortable in their company, I replied that I had little interest in their preferences and tastes regarding the gender of their partners. One of the guys said that usually people with strictly traditional values are not so tolerant. I replied that I myself am not a traditionalist and am bisexual.
Guys are interested in this. How it works. Do you really love both sexes? Etc. Etc. Typical questions and misconceptions. 'You just haven't made up your mind yet.' Although, at three decades old, that's ridiculous. As the time got closer to 4am, it was time for them to head back. We exchanged contacts and then we split. Half the week I was busy doing my own thing, the guys were chatting in the general chat room of telegram discussing news, exchanging trivia, etc. Until one of the guys wrote to me in a private message that I interested him as a person and attracted him romantically. Naturally I wasn't attracted to him at all, but I agreed to meet him. Just the two of us.
I'd been on so many dates that they'd long since ceased to evoke any emotion. We took a walk here and there, went to see Count Monte Cristo at the cinema. Not a great choice for a date. But better than a locally made movies. And then, after a brief discussion, we went back to my place. No, we didn't have a night of hot sex. Instead, I fed him a proper dinner of my own making, after which we fell into bed just to sleep it off, as we were cold enough after the street. The next morning, he decided to skip the university, and I just didn't care. Word by word, we just lay in each other arms and rubbed the world's beaten topics with the humming of the TV in the background.
At some point there was a pause between us, when you have to either make the first step or leave things as they are. I wasn't in any rush to make the first move. But the kid decided to kiss me. And after a short series of kisses, he looked me in the eye and said:
- I hope you realize we're not getting serious about all of this.
I laughed at that moment. After I laughed, I assured him that I didn't expect anything serious. Then he confessed that he just wanted to feel someone else's warmth and care. And that it was hard to find that among his peers. And I'm older, interesting enough and very laid back. That's why he felt that he could find care in my embrace. Of course, I'm paraphrasing his words, but that was the gist of it.
I assured him that I myself was not looking for anything serious and he could be calm. And then, of course, we had a little morning sex. Then I went to make breakfast and he went to wash up. It was very casual. It was like we'd known each other for decades. And we'd already lived under the same roof for years of marriage.
After breakfast, looking at the weather forecast, we decided to stay at my place. We watched movies, discussed interests, and in the evening we went for a little walk in the fresh air. After an hour of sex before dinner and bed, next morning and after breakfast, he called himself a cab and our roads parted. Naturally, no one in his party knew about our adventures. The usual little secret. I didn't care if he had a boyfriend or not, or what his life plans were or anything like that. I guess he didn't either. We never crossed paths in person again since than. And in general chat we still pretend it never happened.
Before I wrote this post, I was smoking on my balcony and I was thinking. How many people around just want to feel cared for, even if only temporarily. Hiding their desires from the world. How many of us are afraid to admit that we want warmth.